There’s a very old saying that originated in New Orleans back in the late 1800′s.  I don’t know how I first heard it, but I used to say it to my boys when they were little.  It goes something like this:

“Who dat?”

“Who dat who say who dat?”

“Who dat who say who dat who say who dat? …

I thought of this little saying the other day when I was having some problems with discernment.  Sunday was not a great day.  I woke up not breathing very well, so decided not to go to church.  I did some chores, surfed the computer, did my devotions, wrote my blog, balanced the checkbook, and it all went downhill from there.  We were about out of money with 2 1/2 weeks until the next paycheck.  I was worried, but I didn’t want to worry anyone else, so I stuffed it down (always a bad idea).

Art & I went to the grocery store with the rest of a gift card his parents had given us.  The register rang up a loaf of bread for 20 cents more than the price I had been told online.  Art wanted to ask the cashier about it, but I begged him not to.  Is that the point we’re at now?  Arguing over 2o extra cents for a loaf of bread?  I’m pretty sure the cashier gave us the 20 cents back just so we would stop arguing with each other and leave.  I felt like I was going to cry, but I didn’t want to, so I stuffed it down (another bad idea).

Later that night we were making dinner and discussing the future.  Art and Boo are both starting at our local community college in January.  In September, Bud will be joining them.  How exciting to have all 3 of my men furthering their educations together!!  But that wasn’t on my mind Sunday night.  I asked Art if he was going to get a job while he was in school (you may recall that Art has been unemployed since June 2009, not for lack of trying).  I don’t even remember his reply – I’m sure it was something like, “Of course I’m going to do the best I can to find something.”  All I remember is I freaked out.  Let all the fear and sadness that had been building up inside me all day out in one spew of anger at someone who didn’t deserve it at all.  And he talked back a little, but mostly he took it.  And then we ate dinner and walked the dog and I went to bed.

Well, once I got to bed and had time to reflect on my day I realized what I had done and I felt absolutely horrible.  I started beating myself up, telling myself I was a bad wife, bad mother, etc.  I cried and cried.  Art came to bed and I couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t even mad at me.  He said we are all in a difficult situation and he understands that sometimes it’s just too much to handle.  I think I actually felt worse – that he could be so understanding.

Then I remembered something Renee Swope said in her book A Confident Heart:

“Condemnation sweeps across our thoughts with generalized statements (bad wife, bad mother). That is the accuser.  His tone is condemning, questioning and confusing.  His accusations lead to guilt and shame.

The Holy Spirit’s conviction will be specific.  He will reveal a sinful action or attitude and instruct us on what we need to do to right the wrong.”

So I took a deep breath and realized I was listening to the wrong voice in my head.  I switched my thinking from I’m a horrible person  to  what can I do differently next time?  If I had expressed some of my fear and sadness earlier in the day, allowed myself some grieving time, I wouldn’t have felt the need to lash out at Art.

Next time I screw up (and I know I will),  and the voices in my head start speaking, I’m going to ask them “Who dat?”

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  – Romans 8:1

It’s no secret that my family has been through some rough times over the past couple of years.  We have dealt with the failure of a business, bankruptcy, unemployment, cyberbullying, and other issues which I hope to deal with in future blog posts.

Through it all I have managed to hold on to my hope.  I remember Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you — not to harm you.  Plans for hope and a future.”  Sometimes I wonder how long I will have to wait for God’s promises to come true, but we can talk about my lack of patience some other time, LOL.

For a long time after events took a bad turn I have wondered what we were doing wrong and why was God punishing us? I felt almost paralyzed with the fear that if I did the wrong thing we would never get out of the mess we were in.  Maybe we would wander around stuck in the same loop like the Israelites did on their way to the Promised Land.

Then, while reading Renee Swope‘s A Confident Heart, I was reminded of the story of Simon Peter.  As Renee says, “His biggest failure came the night of Jesus’ arrest, when Peter denied he even knew him, three times.”  But despite Peter’s failures, He was also “the rock” on which the early church was built.  “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

I slowly came to the realization that if I never tried a new direction, I would never be able to move on.  That God was not punishing us for our mistakes, nor does He judge us by them.  Through God’s grace and the resurrection of His son, Jesus Christ, we are redeemed.  If we sin, or try and fail, God forgives us, and helps us to see the way to make things better the next time.  His love is unconditional and He would rather have us try and fail and try again than to hide our light “under a basket” (Matthew 5:15)

In the past few weeks I have had the courage to commit to this blog.  I hope that it has helped my readers as much as it has helped me.  I finally feel like I am able to “let my light shine.”

How are you letting your light shine?  Please let me know in a comment.

Last year I started a new tradition. At the beginning of the year, I picked a theme for personal growth.  2010 was my year of forgiveness.  My husband, Art, and I went through a Lenten study on forgiveness at our church in March of 2010 and I was finally able to do something I thought would never be possible. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; I forgave the man who murdered my biological father.  The latter was finally achieved by understanding that justice is not mine, but God’s.  It is not to my benefit to continue to harbor anger against someone, no matter what they have done to me.

Mind you, forgiveness doesn’t have to mean forgetting.  The old adage, “Forgive and forget,” is just not fair.  Forgetting about a heinous crime is not possible and forgetting that someone has perpetrated abuse on you could prove dangerous if the perpetrator chooses to repeat that abuse.

copyright 2006 Mike Lao

2011 is my year of “no fear.”  I started the year reading A Course In Weight Loss
by Marianne Williamson.  Lesson 1, titled “Tear Down the Wall” has an exercise in which we are asked to imagine that all our painful feelings are bricks in a wall that is keeping us from trusting and fully connecting with other people.  We are to name our feelings, write them down on slips of paper and then attach names of people or events to each one.  The emotion for me that had the most events and people attached to  it was fear, but I also noticed that I had quite a few people still attached to anger.  It was then I realized that sometimes, fear and lack of forgiveness go hand in hand.  Our reluctance to forgive can cause a lack of trust towards people who have never hurt us.

Currently I am in a study focused on Renee Swope’s,  A Confident Heart: How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Live in the Security of God’s Promises.  This book is all about losing our doubt and fear of failure and moving on to the life and goals that God has intended for us.  An exercise Renee suggests is to make a timeline of painful moments in your life.  Doing this exercise, I came to see I was again harboring some anger towards people from my past, including toward myself for things I had done to hurt others and myself.  Fortunately, I watched Melissa Taylor‘s vlog from October 13, 2011,  and learned  another aspect of forgiveness.  As Melissa says, “I have to keep reminding myself that I forgave that person.”

Renee Swope suggests that we pray over each event, asking God to “heal your heart and your hurts.”  She also reminds us of another reason why forgetting about our past is not an option: “God could use my mistakes and hurts for His greatest purposes.”  As an example, as a result of being rejected and teased by other children, I taught my children to reach out and friend those who others made fun of or ignored.

As Rose Sweet writes, in her book A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce
, “Forgiveness is a process, not an event.” I see that the year of forgiveness and the year of no fear may alternate on my calendar for the rest of my life.